Casual Flirting Tips

Rachel asks: “I can’t get a hot guy to talk to me, no matter what I do. They only want to talk to the really gorgeous girls, which I’m not. I’m not ugly though, and I think I’m a pretty cool person with a lot to offer. What do I have to do to get a cute, great guy interested in me?”

Ah, Rachel. I think most young women (and men, for that matter) ask a similar question at some point in their in their youth. Actually, that’s not true: I think we all wonder at times why, for whatever reason, some people are more attracted to other people than they are us. I’ve spoken to women in every age bracket with some variation of this question, so I don’t think you’re alone in your quest or frustration, nor do I think it an unusual one. If anything, it takes courage to ask something so raw, and for that I applaud you.

To the meat of your question however, there are two answers I can give you:

• If someone doesn’t think you’re amazing, it’s time to focus on the people who think you are; and
• Physical attraction is only one aspect of a romantic relationship, and although very important, not the only factor you need to look at when “trying to get a guy to talk to you”.

Let me clarify a bit, starting with the first point. For those of us who aren’t stunningly beautiful, who don’t stop cars on the street or who don’t sport movie-star looks when we roll out of bed, we have to do more than just look good to attract someone. In my opinion, that’s a good thing. I’d much rather that someone found me hot because of the way my mind works, how I raise my children, or a twinkle in my eye than my physicality. We look different as we age, and our bodies will likely not remain the same either, so if someone finds me interesting or “hot”, I hope it’s because of who I am as a person and something that probably won’t change much. In turn, I look for these same qualities in anyone I’ve dated, because they have to sport more than just a great body or a pretty face for me to find them attractive.

I realize I’m not in the majority with this mindset, and have been told many, many times throughout the years by friends and coaching clients that it’s unreasonable to think physicality doesn’t matter when it comes to meeting someone. See, I agree, but want to put it out there that there’s more than just oh-my-gawd-he’s-so-hot-I’m-going-to-puke-right-now-if-I-look-him-in-the-eye to a dating relationship. There has to be for it to have legs, and thus, why I urge you to focus more on people that (a) appreciate more than just your physical beauty, and (b) take on the same behavior yourself.

For those of you who feel I haven’t answered Rachel’s question, I’ll give you one more tidbit that may or may not be helpful: there are few things more attractive than confidence. Work on any self-doubts you have, find your inner spark, cultivate a cheerful mindset, and make yourself happy, and men of all kinds will flock to you.

What do you think, dear readers? Is there some magic thing you can do to make a “hot” guy talk to you, or interested in pursuing something? Have you done it, and if so, how? Or, do you disagree with my advice entirely, and think we should all strive for something different?

_{Related: New Law of Attraction? Have Them Come To You, Physical Attraction Makes Us Less Able To Make A Good Impression, Is He Interested? Quiz, How Much Do Looks Matter?, Peacocking, Zsa Zsa Zu.}

Michelle asks: I met a guy at a bar about two weeks ago. We exchanged numbers when we first met and he called me the next day to set up a double date a few days later. That went well, so we spent some time together at my place a few days after that. He then asked if I wanted to go out to lunch in a few days (which we are tomorrow). However, I’m not sure if he wants to date me or just be friends (we’ve kissed only once, and I was the one that made the move). He is shy and it is difficult to read him. He is a great guy and I want to date him, but how can I tell if he feels the same way? Or could I just be impatient? I’ve only known this guy two weeks now.

Bonny’s answer: From what you’ve shared Michelle, I’d say that the two of you are dating already. (See The Definition of Dating for more about my take on why, and what I believe dating is today). You are spending time together to get to know one another better, and you both continue to instigate contact. Sure, you made the first move and kissed him, but what’s to say he wouldn’t have if you hadn’t? And frankly, if someone doesn’t want to kiss you, they won’t.

I’d stop trying to push things further ahead then they need to be. Things sound great so far, and progressing in a way that many women wish the early stages of a relationship would. If in a week or two things haven’t moved towards a discussion along these lines and you are still hanging out once or twice a week, I’d broach the subject gently, thoughtfully and playfully. “Is this a date? Because I’d like to think it is,” with a twinkle in your eye might work, but let your own imagination and personality shine though. Then, let him answer at his own speed, and without pressure. If he decides the two of you aren’t on the same page, you can start looking for someone else you’d like to date that suits your relationship needs.

What say you, dear readers? Do you think Michelle is being impatient? Does he like her as a friend or more?

_{Have a dating question you’d like answered? Try filling out the dating advice submission form, or jump in the dating forum if you’d like a faster response to a more urgent question.}

So what if you’re unemployed? In the economy, it’s a common theme—even among professionals. Well, we have good news and bad news: The bad news first. While about 65% of men surveyed by It’s Just Lunch said they would have…

When we aren’t eating, sleeping, playing, or working out, the vast majority of us are working. In fact, nowadays Americans work on average almost 8.6 hours per day, according to a 2010 survey from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Even…

By contacting loved ones three times a week with messages of affection and love, Arizona State University study participants lowered the kind of cholesterol that clogs arteries by over eleven points in a month. To compare, most folks receive the same kinds of results with medication. The study also found a correlation between a woman’s resting heart rate and receiving a hug from her romantic partner: the more hugs she received, the lower her resting heart rate was. And both the men and the women in the study had lower resting heart rates as well as lower blood pressure during a stressful event, if before the event they either held hands or hugged their partner.

Not that any of us needed a reason to be more affectionate with the person we’re dating, of course. But for those of you with cholesterol issues, sending a quick note on Facebook or sending your partner a romantic text message three times a week seems a minor output in comparison to the life-long heart benefits.

_{Reference: Floyd, Kory et al. “Human Affection Exchange: XIV. Relational Affection Predicts Resting Heart Rate and Free Cortisol Secretion During Acute Stress.” Behavioral Medicine 32, no. 4 (Winter 2007): 151-156.}

A middle aged female dating forum member wants to know whether or not she should slow things down a bit with the man she’s dating, who just admitted his love for her. Specifically:

“…this is going to sound like a High Schooler’s question, but I’d like your opinion and any men out there as well. If I’m not ready to have sex yet, is it better to hold off on the passionate kissing too so no one gets too frustrated? Sorry if that sounds dumb, but I really wonder sometimes which is kinder…”

So readers, what do you think?

Or, so says a study undertaken by Northwestern University researchers Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick. They followed heterosexual speed daters to determine the differences in attraction when women sat and the men changed seats, and then when the men sat and the women changed seats. Their conclusion?

When the women remained stationary and the men moved from speed date to speed date, the gents were more attracted to their dates than the women were to theirs. As well, the men chose more women to pursue for further dating interactions than they did in any other scenario. But when the roles were reversed and the women moved around, the number each gender wanted to see again remained about the same.

So how can you use this research to your benefit? Favor speed dating events where the men roam and the women stay seated, or when trying to meet someone new in a heterosexual partnership, allow the gent to approach, first.

_Sources:

• Bower, B. (2009, February 14). The Dating Go Round. Science News, 175(4), 22-25.
• Finkel, Eli J., and Paul W. Eastwick. “Speed-Dating.” Current Directions in Psychological Science 17.3 (2008): 193-97

The mother of an 18-year-old girl who still lives at home asks:

My teenage daughter is totally dependent on Mom and Dad. Don’t get me wrong, she’s looking for a job but hasn’t found one yet. She’s not lazy, she helps me around the house and she plans to start college in the fall. But my question is about her and her boyfriend, who have been together over two years now. Should my teenage daughter be spending the night with her boyfriend when ever she wants? She believes that because she’s 18 she can do whatever she wants, and her boyfriend says outright we are ‘stupid’ for not allowing it. It’s a constant fight in our house, and I’m terribly sad because this isn’t how we raised her.

So folks, what do you think? Should this woman’s teenage daughter be allowed to sleep over at her boyfriends as she pleases? And for those of you with dating teenagers, or even older kids who still live at home – what have you done? What worked to reduce the tension, and what didn’t?

Lindsay asks, “My guy and I have been dating over a year. We’ve had our rocky times and our good ones, but all in all its been pretty amazing. Recently however I found out he was meeting other women on dating sites and even kissed one of them. When I asked him what was going on, he said that he felt he wasn’t wired for monogamy. He didn’t want to hurt me, so he was relieved that it was all out in the open. He asked if I would consider an open relationship, where we both date other people but still stay together. He says he cares for me very much, and how he feels isn’t a reflection on me. He also said he doesn’t want to lose me, but he was scared I’d reject him for who he is.

I’m hurt that he lied to me, and I’m confused about my role. Isn’t this moving backwards to a casual relationship? I really care about this man, but I’m so confused. Help?”

Well Lindsay, there are two ways to look at your situation. You can either consider your guy’s request for an open relationship (learning more about what it means, and whether or not its something you can do) or you can say its not something for you and go your separate ways. Of course, that’s easier said than done after a year or more of dating.

Let me first say that an open relationship is very different than polyamory. I realize that you haven’t mentioned this in your question, but bear with me for a second. Polyamory is the concept that we can love more than one person romantically, and at the same time. In my experience, most polyamorous relationships are open and everyone is aware of the other loves or partners, and there is a feeling of inclusiveness. Open relationships on the other hand can be polyamorous, but I find the term usually refers to more of a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ sort of policy, where both parties date other people with the other’s knowledge. Open relationships are just that – open – so each person can really do as they please without having to answer to anyone else.

Now, that’s just my interpretation. Surely other readers will chime in and share their thoughts. But what I will say is that in my experience, polyamory is focused on love and affection, whereas open relationships are more come what may type experiences. I’ve also found that folks in poly relationships seem to communicate at a much higher level with their partners (out of necessity) whereas people in open relationships don’t seem to share as much with regards to the status of where things are with other folks.

The reason why I’m sharing this information with you is because I want you to know you have more than just two choices: leave or stay. You can also negotiate with your partner to redefine what you have so that the relationship works for both of you. I can’t tell if you’re open to this type of situation, and frankly, it’s a difficult road for even the most stable of relationships. But it is an option, and one worth discussing when things have cooled down a bit.

For now, I’d suggest thinking about whether or not your guy’s actions are something you can forgive – or at the very least understand. I’m not condoning his behavior, because I don’t believe that lying is ever an answer. But I do believe that his actions have opened up a level of communication and honesty that the two of you probably haven’t shared before, and it might be an opportunity for growth for both of you. And since you wouldn’t be asking the question if you weren’t considering (even a little bit) his proposal, I have to assume you’re willing to negotiate. So with that in mind, I’d recommend first discussing with him the dishonesty aspect, and seeing if its a long term issue or a one-off event. Then I’d move into what you both see an open relationship as, what you need out of it, what can be negotiated and what are deal breakers.

I’d also recommend that you speak with a counselor about your feelings, independently of your partner, and take some time to look at what you need from a partner, and whether or not your guy can, or is willing to give that to you. Finally, I’d take some time to nurture and be gentle with yourself, and give yourself some space and time to think without too much pressure from anyone.

It’s rare that a dating question riles me up, but few years back someone posted a question in the dating forums still has me steamed.

I don’t normally hit my girlfriend but when she starts b*tching at me but I just can’t stand it anymore. The woman just deserves a smack when I don’t want to deal with her. How do I make my girlfriend stop nagging me?

I answered his question already with a standard “break up and get help” reply, but I think there is a greater issue and debate at stake here. Yes, the poster could just be a schmuck looking to rile me and the other dating forum members up, and it is unlikely that he actually smacks his girlfriend around when she annoys him. But – what if he does? Just the possibility has kept me up many a night.

And, it is entirely possible that he’s serious. If I look at recent studies, dating violence is still a silent yet rampant destructive force in many dating relationships. One U.S. Department of Justice report stated that 20 out of every 1,000 women between the ages of 16-24 have experienced dating violence. Another posted in the Journal of Contemporary Justice showed 34% of all college students have experienced dating violence in a previous relationship, and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence contends that 71% of rape or sexual assault victims knew their offenders.

These statistics all hit close to home for me personally, as I too have also experienced dating violence first hand. Approximately five years ago, a man I met from a dating site followed me home unawares and forced himself on me. Luckily one of my upstairs roommates heard my cries for help and intervened before anything serious happened. My first serious relationship was also a physically abusive one, which pains me to this day since I’d always thought of myself as too smart to endure any dating violence whatsoever. By the time I realized I was in danger however I was trapped. I was able to extricate myself when several coworkers noticed my sudden behavioral change and called the police.

Because of my own personal experiences, I have to wonder how many victims of dating violence are suffering in silence. I know that anytime I’ve answered polls on this subject, I forget that I was once a victim myself, thereby underreporting and skewing the final results somewhat. How many others – men and women – have done the same? I can only imagine there are more men who are underreporting than women, considering the added shame involved.

So with this in mind, I will do everything in my power to determine if the dating forum poster is just pulling my chain or if he is actually a violent man who thinks “occasionally” hitting his girlfriend is okay when she nags him too much. But you tell me. What would you do?

_{Related Content: Textathon Raises Awareness to Reduce Dating Violence in Youth, Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship, Share How You Got Out of an Abusive Relationship.}

Sources:

U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics. (2001) Special Report Intimate Partner Violence and Age of Victim, 1993-1999. Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office.

Dating Violence: Facts. Retrieved April 24, 2008 from http://www.ncadv.org/files/datingviolence.pdf

C. Sellers and M. Bromley. “Violent Behavior in College Student Dating Relationships,” Journal of Contemporary Justice. (1996)